Lost
by Neneithel
Summary: Despite the best efforts of his friend, Father Andrew to help him to accept the loss, Daniel will not contemplate the possibility that his son is dead.


_**Lost.**_

Father Andrew put a cup of tea on the table. Daniel was intent on the maps he had scattered across it and barely noticed the arrival. "Put those away." said Father Andrew, "If there were hope, they wouldn't have stopped looking."

"Now is a bad time to preach against hope." said Daniel, "There wasn't a body."

"It could be in any ditch between Shancarrick and Dublin, it could be in the sea. A child of eight could not have crossed the sea alive."

"Did he know that, when he did it?" said Daniel.

"It's natural, not to want to believe it, but clinging to false hope will only make it harder when you have to face ... "

"Finish that sentence and I never enter this house again." said Daniel, "I don't have to face anything. I faced Kate's death, I faced prison, I faced them giving my son away to strangers, putting him beyond my reach forever and those strangers lost him. He can't be dead. The thought that he was alive somewhere was all I had left."

"What are you going to do? Search the world for a boy you already know is dead?"

Daniel stood. "If he's dead, so am I. I'll spare you the trouble of dealing with my corpse."

Father Andrew stopped him. It was easier than he had expected. As he touched Daniel's shoulder, Daniel stopped and it was an easy matter to guide him back to his chair. "I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm saying it because I don't want you to waste your life wishing he were out there, searching every town for someone whose face you don't even know."

"Not every town. Dublin to Liverpool, then maybe London. Somewhere busy, where he'd go unnoticed. Somewhere with food and shelter."

"Kids don't think that way." said Father Andrew.

"He wouldn't have to. If he'd been caught, they'd have him back by now. He's still undiscovered, therefore he's in a city or out in the wilds, but the wilds need strength and skills a child that young doesn't possess. He could be here, in London, right now."

"We should go to Ireland, together. We should talk to the people who knew him." said Father Andrew.

"Forget them. We should make sure he's not in Dublin. We need to start narrowing down where he is."

"Dublin was searched."

"Not by me." said Daniel, "They should have told me when it happened. Only Sarah cared enough to tell me at all. What they did to me, I can overlook. What those Cavanaghs did to Kate and my son, I will never forget or forgive. Her brother did this."

"How long are you going to pursue this wild goose chase?"

"Until I find him."

"Dead or alive?" said Father Andrew.

"If he did survive and did come here, and is out there somewhere, he hasn't a friend in the world. You think Caley Cavanagh searched hard for him? If he's alive, he needs me. If he's dead, I need to know."

"So you can avenge him?" said Father Andrew, "Or so you can die?"

"Henry James Sinclair died the moment he knew that Kate was dead. Whatever is left, lives only for our son. There can be no sin in suicide when there is nothing left to kill."

"And all your friends mean nothing?" said Father Andrew.

"Would you, for friendship, let me believe my son is alive?" said Daniel.

"Does it really help, to think of him alone and afraid and wandering the streets?"

"Yes, because if he's alive, I will find him and then the fear and loneliness will be over and I will give him everything he needs and we'll both have something to live for."

"Then I'll let you believe whatever you want, and I'll pray that it's true, but I will also pray for his soul, if he is dead. But Daniel, forget suicide. Kate would want you to live."

"Kate wanted a lot I couldn't give her. The day I know he is dead, I will be too. I don't have your strength and faith and courage. Prison almost destroyed me, her death and the loss of my son finished the job. If he's alive, I will live for him, if he's dead, I am a waste of air and food. If God cares for anyone, don't you think His priority would be the frightened child who never hurt anyone? You tell me miracles happen, my miracle will be to find my son."

"Mine will be to find you something else to live for." said Father Andrew.

 _The End._


End file.
